I think it was Doug Horton who said "If you love something let it go free. If it doesn't come back, you never had it. If it comes back, love it forever."

What if you just simply really really like something? And possibly more than you should? I've decided to make a conscious effort to take a step back from a particular situation that I've been in, and push the ball back onto the other side of the court. Lately I've been feeling like I've been playing tug-o-war, tag, and hide-n-go-seek. I hate that. I don't like instability, and I don't like not knowing if I'm coming or going. Everything else is pure perfection. I've tried to take things as they are, but they're one thing one day and the opposite the next. We all know I fail miserably at not caring, but eh. I've been very optimistic about a lot of things in my life over the past few months. I don't want to set myself up for potential disaster. So I'm taking cautious baby steps. :) I just don't get it though. Normally I am like a chameleon and can adapt to any situation I'm put into... The stronger than nails, ruthless bitch... The sweet, caring and compassionate nurturing one... The relaxed and apathetic fly on the wall... The leader, doer, and seer... The follower. Adaptation has always come naturally to me since my life has always been a roller coaster. Why not now? Why is it that, of all times, now is when my everything decided to just become lost, dazed, and confused. Did I mention that I don't like it? As they say... be careful what you wish for. Why is it that you always want what you can't completely have?

Song of the day that's stuck in my head? I've got 2, actually. Sheryl Crow's "Every Day is a Winding Road" and Meredith Brooks' "Bitch." Bitch playing louder than the other. So here we go :)

I hate the world today
You're so good to me
I know but I can't change
tried to tell you but you look at me like maybe I'm an angel
underneath
innocent and sweet
Yesterday I cried
You must have been relieved to see the softer side
I can understand how you'd be so confused
I don't envy you
I'm a little bit of everything
all rolled into one

I'm a bitch, I'm a lover
I'm a child, I'm a mother
I'm a sinner, I'm a saint
I do not feel ashamed
I'm your health, I'm your dream
I'm nothing in between
You know you wouldn't want it any other way

So take me as I am
This may mean you'll have to be a stronger man
Rest assured that when I start to make you nervous
and I'm going to extremes
tomorrow I will change
and today won't mean a thing

Just when you think you've got me figured out
the season's already changing
I think it's cool you do what you do
and don't try to save me

I'm a bitch, I'm a tease
I'm a goddess on my knees
when you hurt, when you suffer
I'm your angel undercover
I've been numbed, I'm revived
can't say I'm not alive
You know I wouldn't want it any other way

Bleeeeeeeeeehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. I'll be spending the next 6 hours filing down my claws. I could tell the guy who did my nails last night was relatively new, but I don't really care. I walked in at 20 til 9, and they still did'em. So I can't complain too much. He just didn't cut them short enough. I don't mind them per se, it just makes it hard to text at times, lol.

Skittles, my rainbow shark at work mysteriously died last night. He started acting a little funny at the end of the day yesterday. He's a bottom-of-the-tank dwelling fish, and he started swimming at the top and turned a funny shade. Iuno. I'll clean the tank back out and maybe get another. RIP Skittles <3

I had fun last night. Mark, his wife, daughter and I all went down to Thursday Night Live. Had a few beers, and listened to a great band. For the record, Mother Jane is a very awesome 2-woman band. They're the cause of "Every day is a winding road" being stuck in my head. We ended up getting rained out. Mara and I desperately were seeking a bathroom.... found one then couldn't find the pedway. So we made a break for it. Then I ran from security to the bridge to my car in the pouring rain. I was soaked. It was fun.

Tonight's going to be busy. I have to run to AT&T, buy new shoes, head up to Ramsey's, go home and get ready, then head out to Saddle Ridge with Mara. Should make for an interesting night.

weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

I've got Kill Hannah's song "10 More Minutes" STUCK in my head. Like..... welded there. It won't leave. And I've listened to it about 20 times now. Even went to my car and sang at the top of my lungs. Even tried to repeatedly listen to another song. Nope. Stuck. Don't get me wrong, I like the song, but it just makes me think too much lol.

So. Let's catch everyone up to speed. I had a really bad day yesterday. The night before, my cat knocked all of my shit into the bathtub, including my 2 month old cellphone. I thought it wasn't going to make it. You'd be amazed what contact cleaner and a hair dryer will do.

Got that taken care of. Wake up yesterday morning. Get ready for work. Go to leave... what do I find?



I flipped the hell out. The only thing that was taken was the deck to my stereo. Not the $20 in my console, not my jewelry, hell not even the faceplate for my stereo either. Just the deck. I was like WTF?! I had to rig up a couple of things to un-fuck-them-up in my dash. Eventually I'll just order new pieces for it. Eventually.

Annnnnnywho. So I go to Best Buy to purchase something to install into the giant hole in my dash. I'm sure that I sounded like a complete condescending bitch. I didn't mean to. I was angry. Got home. Had to fix the wiring harness and all that fun stuff. Got everything up and running again. Go out an hour later to a dead battery. Mind you, my battery is only like 2 or 3 months old. I was pissed. Got everything charged up, and we're cookin' with grease now. I'm not really going to argue lol.

I really need another cup of coffee. My head is pounding. And, although I slept pretty good last night, I'm still really tired. Oh wait... that's because I woke up an hour and a half earlier than normal. The ex needed a ride to work. The normal driver for the route he takes is on vacation, and the douchebag new driver didn't even stop at the bus stop. The alternative route makes him late for work on Mondays. Meh. Anywho, I got to work early. I have been really productive too. Got a bunch of files and reports filed. Put a bunch of shit into inventory. Paid some bills. Haven't fallen asleep yet. Though.... I could go for a nap right now. Yep. I think that's pretty productive as opposed to a typical day at LCC.

But anywho. So all-in-all, I'm taking the positive side of things. My identity wasn't stolen again. My car wasn't smashed into pieces. I didn't shoot anyone. I'm not hurt. I have a smile :) Why is this so amazing? It's improvement. I know me. If it were a normal me, I'd act exactly like my mom.... nothing short of probably putting my foot through my door lol. Okay maybe not that extreme, but you get the drift. Which, I've also been proud of her lately too... She's starting to come around again. I'm not sure if it's just another phase of menopause, another one of her manic moments, or if she's genuinely getting better, but things have been a little easier the past few days.

Smoke break I go. (YES I KNOW. Shush.)

♫ I'm a hazard to myself. Don't let me get me... I am my own worst enemy. ♫

Yesterday was broken into pieces in terms of really awesome vs. the shittiest day of my life. Thus, I join you fine folks today with the biggest cup of ice water in the world, anger in my veins, and shadow over my heart to give you a fantastic blog. :)

First off, Noel, if you read this PLEASE call me. I've heard that you and Mikey are safe, but I want to hear that from YOU. If you need anything let me know. I love you chica. You've held my hand through some major shit. My hand's out if you want it.

One thing I've learned is that my beloved friend, Natalie, can NOT dance! Nope. Not even a 2-step. We're definitely going to have to fix this. The girl has 2 left feet. I think I'm going to have to drag her to a pool to teach her how to dance. Yep. Gives a better feel of movement and resistance. That and it doesn't hurt as bad when toes are stepped on, lmao. Needless to say, I hit her in the nose, and she ran me into the table. That was the fun part of my night, at least.

As you may have figured out about me by now, I have a logical explanation for everything. A theory. A system. Well, I've got drinking down to a science. I was an alcoholic as a teenager. So here are my best pieces of advise for anyone who drinks.

1) Never eat my mother's cooking before a night out. - She's a really damn good cook, and the spices will tear you apart later.
2) Never drink when stressed out. You end up not giving a flying shit as to of what happens to you. Also, never drink when you've got more than one thing on your mind. You're likely to make others think that you're upset about some things, when you're upset about something completely irrelevant.
3) Never drink liquor in a bar. There's too many uncontrollable variables. Like getting a phone call with really bad news that makes your stomach tie into a knot to hear. (RIP babydoll. I know your bright smile will still shine a light in all of our lives even as you're gone.) Like having 2 friends tell you 2 opposing opinions about something and yourself telling you something completely different. It all ties into #2. At a bar, you're limited on what you can do. Hide in a corner, take it all in, and try to sort things out. But with that, you're bound to have people come looking for you. And easily be found. At a party, someone's house, or the comfort of your own home, it's easy to escape the being found part. And if you're stuck drinking liquor in an uncontrollable situation, at least try to stick to the same kind of liquor. And if at all possible, take straight shots, and not anything mixed in with it.
4) Stay hydrated. The biggest mistake you can ever make is to not do so. And don't get hot.
5) If the room starts spinning, sit down. I don't care what anyone else tells you. Sit down. And not in a chair. Being as close to the ground as possible is your friend. Put all your weight down on one leg and the room stops spinning. I watched a kid who was standing up fall right on his face and had to have his jaw wired shut for 12 weeks. It was a bloody mess.
6) Take something for heartburn before you even leave the house. Especially if you've make mistake #1. Because after over a dozen beers, 5 shots, and an irish car bomb, you're bound to feel like your chest is on fire. Especially if mistake #1 happened to be red beans and rice. The first sign of indigestion, I knew dinner wasn't staying with me for long. Butterscotch and beans do not taste good together.
7) If you get sick, drink as much water as fast as possible. It's going to suck, but about 45 minutes later, you'll thank me. You'll finally puke every damn thing else back up with water, and not the alcoholy acidic feeling mess that's in your stomach. And also, air is your friend.
8) When you go to sleep, attempt to stay as warm as possible. Sweating through the whole night will make you feel much better in the morning. Wake up, grab a cup of water, and go smoke a cigarette. When you get home, take a shot, drink more water, and you're fine.

Apparently I have completely lost all memory of about a 30 minute span after I received a particular phone call. I know I called Rob. I remember Natalie found me. Iuno. I really hope that I didn't say or do anything really really stupid. I have a habit of fucking things up for myself. After talking to Rob, we've come to the conclusion that we're all losing people that have stood beside/behind us for so long lately. It's not just us. It's... all around us. The "leaders of men" so to speak, are being left for alone. Maybe there's some higher meaning to it all. Who knows. I stand here with open arms saying "You know. Fuck it. Let whatever is going to happen happen right the hell now. Let the cards fall where they may so that I can pick them up all at once, instead of picking one up after another after another."

Meh. When life hands you lemons, grab some salt and tequila. :)

My rainbow shark, who lives in a small aquarium at work, is my buddy. He's mean. Really mean. Our morning conversations go a little something like this:
Skittles: "Mornin'. It's about time you drug your ass back here. And weekend fasting sucks."
Me: "Oh shut up and eat your algae that builds up over the weekend like you always do."
Skittles: "Yeah but it's not like that gourmet shit you give me every morning."
Me: "So? It builds appreciation."
Skittles: "Appreciate my back fin. Give me some food."
Me: "You know. You could come out from hiding in the grass more often. Not just when you want food."
Skittles: "I know. I hate you, Mom."
Me: "I hate you too, Skittles."

I woke up late this morning. I felt like shit yesterday. And I feel like shit today. Yesterday my stomach was 18 shades of tore the hell up. I need to calm my nerves down on several levels. I need to not worry about my parents. But I also need to get my ducks in a row just in case something does happen. Something just gives me a bad feeling about them deep down in the pit of my stomach. I don't want to be around for whatever that feeling is decides to explode.

For whatever reason, I felt like being in isolation last night. I more or less threw something out on the table last night, and.... more or less got no reaction what so ever from it. Meh. Oh well. I guess I'll just continue to play everything by ear, and hope for the best. Anywho, I drove out to the middle of nowhere last night. I accidentally hit a raccoon doing about 65 mph. I didn't mean to, and tried to move to not hit him, but it was just too late for the little fella. Got home, and had yet another awkward conversation with a friend, and yeh. She was worried what she said made things weird. It didn't. I just .... didn't really know how to respond. Which, iuno. I'll keep the last thought to myself.

Today's been interesting. I fell asleep on the couch last night, curled up in the seat of the reclining side like a cat. I woke up about 6am, and went to my bed. I didn't get back up until 8:10. I hauled ass through the house. Thank god my dad was still asleep. I threw on the first pair of clean undies and jeans I could find, and grabbed the shirt that my mother hung on my door handle a week ago that I never hung up in my closet. I knew I left it there for a reason. I grabbed my purse from downstairs, and ran out the door as fast as I could. I somehow made it to work on time :)

I also decided today that I'm no longer going to take any responsibility for the house I used to live in. I've already put well more than my "half" of the living expenses there, thus we're taking my name off of the lease. I'm kinda sick of being a crutch for people to lean on. Asking me for help or advice is one thing. I'm not supporting anyone else anymore. Not in the least bit.

I also decided to tell my doc to shove it, and quit taking all the naproxen I've been taking. I've got to get up and move around every 90 minutes or so while at work, and am a little sore when I wake up in the morning, but other than that, I've been okay. The exercise I'm guessing, has been helping a lot more than anticipated on my joints. I don't want to end up like my mom or my grandma.

Anywho, I'm going to round up something to drink and someone to talk to, and take my happy ass outside for the remainder of my shift. Woot.

If I had the ability to bring one musician back to life for an evening to kick it and have a few beers with, it'd be Janis Joplin. In relative comparison of time frames, I've noticed a lot of similarities in my life that she had in hers. Pretty much roam around, not have a steady ideal or goal in mind... Having a feeling of where you want to go, or what you want to do, but have no earthly idea how to get there. Dropped out of school. Found comfort in things we shouldn't have. Granted, I was never a fan of what heroine made people, so I stayed the hell away from it. None the less, I had my few choice vices as well.

When I was a child, I used to wear these HUGE sunglasses and a feather boa, and pedal around on my toy motorcycle in the kitchen, belting out every Janis Joplin song my mom would let me learn. I'm hoping that as I'm digging through all of my stuff, and unpacking, I can find a picture of this. In all honesty, not much has changed lol. Granted you probably won't find my ass on a bike anymore, but none the less... still similar. Some part of me just really wants to find that picture.

Assuming that I remember to keep a smile on my face and continue to keep truckin' through life's bullshit, I pretty much know how my life's path is going to be. It's just a matter of making up my mind about it, and sticking with it. I'm content with that. I know what I don't want to do. I know what I don't want to be. I know what I don't want to happen. That's a good start. :)

I'm finding that I'm seemingly depressed as of late. Up until I finally moved my shit downstairs, I've tried to find any and all reasons to not be here at the house. My parents aren't doing well, and there's some major similarities in their marriage that reminds me of mine. Granted they have a higher bullshit tolerance of one another. I didn't. "Every day is exactly the same. There is no love here and there is no pain. Every day is exactly the same." Mom's made no effort to find work. Granted, she probably couldn't do anything full time anymore, she could at least make some sort of contribution. Do something to get some "real" people interaction. Or fill out her disability shit. Or something. Other than play games... That's another factor of me moving into here. I know they're "fine" per se, but I also know they can use the extra help also. Iuno. Dad's drinking more than I'm comfortable with. (It's not like... a personality problem, he's not an ass or anything like that... I think he just uses that as his escape.) Mom sleeps half the day, and is up most of the night. Their relationship isn't healthy in the least bit, and there's a lot of secrets. I just don't understand how people can have a relationship in that sense. Lack of truth, trust, respect, interaction, and lack of love.

Bleh.

I found it quite comical when my mother told my step dad yesterday that I'd finally flipped the switch, and to leave me alone, because I was really pissed this time. I was. Am I anymore? Not in the least bit. And in taking some really good advice that was given to me yesterday... It's not worth my time to even care, more or less. So after today, I'm completely cutting that final line. It's liberating really. Letting go of everything that reminds me of my past, things I don't talk about, and don't need to acknowledge anymore. It's quite peaceful. It's a good feeling to be able to let go of yesterday and take a gander at tomorrow :) The opposite of love is not hate. It is indifference.

I've started making lists for every damn thing again. I have such a horrible time staying organized. I keep up with the bills, and that's about it rofl. I need to find my little black book of keeping my shit organized again. Or suck it up and go buy another PPC to keep my life together lol. I never realized how dependent I was on my old cell phone. And I think I'm going to take the punch and pay off one of my credit cards next paycheck. Yep. It's gonna suck, but that knocks off one more hatred of my marriage. I should have amended the settlement agreement when the judge asked and my douchebag of an ex husband didn't show up for court, but oh well.

And yay for some of the people I work with. One of the older guys at work's gonna help me rip all the shit off of my car and do some of the stuff I want to do to it. I may not rip my fender and bumper off until I get some paint in for it, but still will get some of the mechanical things out the way. I'm relatively decent at body work and can do that all on my lonesome. Some of the mechanical shit though I know I need a hand with lol. Just because something makes sense in my head doesn't mean that's how the vehicle operates. I think I might clean it out today and scrub'er up real nice while awaiting on asshole to text me after he gets across town. I may talk to my grandfather soon. I've got an itching for a mustang realllllllllll bad. I don't have the slightest idea why. I just want one. And for whatever fucked up reason, my insurance would be cheaper.... How the hell does what work?!?!?!?

Once upon a time, in a blog far far away, I remember posting this song. I have no idea if it came over here from the Great Merge when I left wordpress, but who knows.
I've been on an angry girl music kick. With good reason. Trust me, getting new ink did in fact help me clear my head, but I think it opened a whole new flood gate for sure. On for some lyrics.

Do I stress you out?
My sweater is on backwards and inside out
And you say how appropriate
I don't want to dissect everything today
I don't mean to pick you apart you see
But I can't help it
There I go jumping before the gunshot has gone off
Slap me with a splintered ruler
And it would knock me to the floor if I wasn't there already
If only I could hunt the hunter

And all I really want is some patience
A way to calm the angry voice
And all I really want is deliverance
Do I wear you out
You must wonder why I'm so relentless and all strung out
I'm consumed by the chill of solitary
I'm like Estella
I like to reel it in and then spit it out
I'm frustrated by your apathy
And I am frightened by the corrupted ways of this land
If only I could meet the Maker

And I am fascinated by the spiritual man
I am humbled by his humble nature
What I wouldn't give to find a soulmate
Someone else to catch this drift
And what I wouldn't give to meet a kindred
Enough about me, let's talk about you for a minute
Enough about you, let's talk about life for a while
The conflicts, the craziness and the sound of pretenses
Falling all around...all around
Why are you so petrified of silence
Here can you handle this?

Did you think about your bills, your ex, your deadlines
Or when you think you're gonna die
Or did you long for the next distraction
And all I need know is intellectual intercourse
A soul to dig the hole much deeper
And I have no concept of time other than it is flying
If only I could kill the killer

All I really want is some peace man
a place to find a common ground
And all I really want is a wavelength
All I really want is some comfort
A way to get my hands untied
And all I really want is some justice...

Yeah. I'm frustrated by so many things at the moment. I feel like sitting in Triangle Park and watching the world pass me by. Which I have done several times in the last couple of weeks, I might add. I may go down there at lunch too if it stops raining long enough. I doubt that will happen. It's supposed to rain off and on all weekend. And most of next week, too. Welcome to Kentucky.

I'm coming to find that I remember all too well why I was a hermit when I moved here. People are inconsiderate. People don't think before they speak or act. One of my favorite things to do is psychoanalyze people. To watch them, figure out their patterns, routines, habits, and styles. To listen, learn, and observe. I've just always done it for some reason. Not really sure why. People are habitual creatures. It drives me absolutely fucking star crazy when I can't figure something out. My mind is a whirlwind of chaos, and gets me in trouble from time to time, but I like it that way.

I'm starting to feel the same way about life as my grandfather feels about war. It's all a matter of game. Making the correct movements, tactics, and eventually shots. If you go without plan and understanding, you get hurt. If you go without some sort of conformity or unity, you get hurt. I'm not sure why, but he and I started talking about that sort of thing the other day. He's a man that I have every ounce of respect for, yet none at all at the same time. Hard to even begin to convey.
I'll probably start to come off as a complete bitch. You know... I'm okay with that. I guess it'll just be one of my tactics.